what's cool? (reprise)
I haven't asked people what they think it's cool. I don't think I want to know the answer or maybe I don't want to explain why I'm asking.
I think I'd be afraid to address the elephant in the room: am I cool?
well, I don't know. I know I try, and I think it's a little pathetic that I do. I don't want to be the kind of person that people dismiss as boring, but sometimes I go way overboard. I overshare, I talk over people, I get anxious. I try to crack all sorts of jokes but alas, I'm not funny. I'm not funny if I can't get to make a twitter meme related joke or make a sarcastic remark, because usually the crowd is unfit for such specific situations where they can take it without being offended. so thinking about being cool kinda gives me a purpose to work through my nastier traits.
what I do know, or at least I think I know, is that I'd be cool for at least one person: myself when I was sixteen. I look back and think I might've been interested in who I am today. the problem is, I hope 37 year old me is cooler than me now, so I can think about how my 27 year old self is proud of me.
I don't think I want to be cool for teenager standards forever. right now is fine, but in the past month I've spent a lot of time with teenagers and very young adults and maybe my sample size was too small, but all they thought about me was that I was boring as shit. and truth be told, I found them boring too.
we didn't like the same things. we didn't even have the same style references. they don't have the same famous crushes (decidedly mine are VERY specific: matthew macfadyen and robert sean leonard), or even laugh at the same jokes. so why would I want to cater my personality to a younger audience?
in my head I'm trying to count the people that might agree that I'm not boring or annoying. my boyfriend, probably, but I don't think he thinks I'm cool. he thinks I'm lovely, that I act "tough" but I'm more like a "golden retriever" (his words, not mine). some of my friends, the ones that don't know how little I know about most things, or the ones I don't tell everything to, so they have something to project onto. and then maybe, just maybe, some of my coworkers.
there's a key in the paragraph above, I believe. "the ones I don't tell everything to, so they have something to project onto". that's right: cool people are a little mysterious. it might be a double-edged sword for people that can't stand someone who puts on a good act, but hey, it'd be worth trying. my question is, who can I build mystery after all these years I've spent talking about myself to anyone who'd listen? it's so hard.
I think my boyfriend is cool. he knows A LOT about a lot of things. people might dismiss him as a nerd, but he's like, not nerdy about his interests. he's just passionate and he's learned some things about music that I think no one knows. he's a political science major so he can discuss politics with ANYONE and he's always nice about it. I never talk over him about politics or history because he just knows his shit and that's so fucking cool (and hot!). listening to people talk about the things they like without them getting obsessive over it, just being laid back and relaxed about it, bringing it up casually. he doesn't steer the conversation towards how smart he is or how much he knows, he just talks about what he does to a level that's understandable for people. (I know I don't do that, I'm a showoff)
anyway, I've gone off a tangent here. I think I'd be cooler if I actually knew things people cared about. I think I'd also be cooler if for once I showed the world my art and stopped hiding it. I think I'd be cooler if I gave up trying to please, and started to actually do what I wanted. eh. that might take another ten years.