we're wrapping up
this is the year I rediscovered that the internet is a place to love. it's a communal place beyond the ads, it's the place where I met my best friends and it's also the place I met the love of my life. there's so much to enjoy about community in the cyberspace that boiling it down to a couple of pictures on instagram doesn't cut it.
I would love to keep up with my friend's blogs. I wish they all wrote more, and made me read it. not novels, not fiction: I would love for my very creative, very talented friends to make a blog post about their summer trip with their parents, what's like to visit a cave in Iceland, that type of thing. I would like to connect with them and how they feel beyond the memes and the pretty pictures on their feed.
however I am not sure how to communicate that. I can't force people to blog if they never have. admittedly, I've been blogging since the ripe age of 10, and I am almost 27. a lifetime writing my feelings for no one to read. I even made a public speaking speech about this (and I won that competition!) so it's something I care about.
I don't feel heard when I'm writing a blog. I don't feel understood. I don't think I'm hoping to be understood, read, or heard. I never really cared if someone resonated with my work, because I don't know if I'll ever get over my fear of being out there and showing people who I am.
on that topic, two nights ago we were discussing with a friends what it means to be perceived by other people. I told her I noticed that people almost never speak candidly about the things they are passionate about. and if they do, they are automatically associated to that as a personality trait. like 'connie, the one who loves sparkling water' or 'connie, the one who loves modern art' because I have a kandinsky tattoo on my forearm. while both of those things are very true about me, I don't think its really me. I think blogging is more me than any of those things. the richness and depth within me that helps me see the world. I am a person who loves gold rings, deep red, fashion, my boyfriend, cats, being online. I love writing poetry, I love to foster communities and I love fighting for what makes our cities better. I know my friends might associate some of those things to me, but strangers? why would they?
it's so hard to be a person, it's hard to show who you are. when you're an artist, or an independent worker, you're automatically associated with your craft. I'm not sure if I like that. there's no malice behind doing that, sure, it's just probably a mnemonic technique to remember people you just met. however it's breeding ground for certain type of people to prey, make fun of others, cast away. something I try not to do and I wish others didn't do it either.
I'd love to live to see people actually engage in conversations that go beyond likes and dislikes and telling stories about how are lives are better than somebody elses. that empathy is not only about saying "I understand", that it is also about listening with intention and allowing for feelings to grow. I'd like for people who are not akin to empathize with others to stop, for a second, to stop telling stories about how they relate to the story you just told.
the great thing about places like bear is that I can ramble on without any point in a long ass argument with myself and then finally just breathe. writing all of this down as the year wraps up feels like unloading a burden. I can then press post and it's gone, it's something I've managed to separate from me and myself. it now belongs to the internet, semi-anonymously, and I can think about something else for a change. some people will read this, most people will not. and I like that idea of this being a solitary place. a place where you can enjoy solitude, between the writings of a stranger and yourself.
so for the new year I have only one resolution: try my best to be the opposite of the person I described above. think before I speak, and for god's sake, I need to stop telling everybody everything. I am making progress, but sometimes I feel like I give up sensitive information just to be interesting and I end up feeling like an idiot. so this year I want to change that. I also want to become a better listener (even if people are talking about things I couldn't care less about). try to be less anxious around people that can't round up their stories and go off the rails while they speak. I wanna be a person that belongs, not because there's something precious about me, but because we've made the space more accepting to diversity.
so between me and the internet, 2023 has been a great year. i can't wait for 2024.