one with the crowd
do normal people feel inadequate where the weird people hang out? I feel like they don't. when they are there, you notice because they are the first to start complaining. just last week, one of my best friend's birthday party. a bunch of misfits and then some of our old friends from high school join us.
we were hanging out in the balcony and I reference a line in Community. another one of my friends of course recognizes the scene and we talk about it. nothing you'd think of as weird, nerdy, or even a complex thought. just the "we don't sexualize Annie" running gag.
"around you I feel like an idiot," one of them said. "you guys know so much about stuff!"
just a bit below the surface, a part of the netflix catalog beyond the recommendations. it was just unsettling: really? is that weird? do people feel like idiots when I talk about Community, out of all the comedy shows out there? wow. that means I could probably never talk about niche interests, or music, or deeper conversations about, say, politics. what's there left to talk about? the weather?
do normal people feel out of place where the weird people hang out? trick question. for one, it's unusual to find them in the wild, alone, because they usually travel in packs. the mere thought of being alone is unbearable to someone like them. second, they would never go to the places you'd go. and they'll make sure you know. they're never shy when it comes to pointing out you are the weird one, so they always have the upper hand.
I bear their conversations. I've listened to them: they talk about their day. they talk about how they saw their ex at a party, or how a friend of a friend knew a friend they met in college. it just unravels into a never ending list of people they knew, or they might know, that they bumped to on their way to work. how do normal people have so many friends?
it goes on for hours, and I just stand there feeling inadequate. every time you try to talk, maybe participate, they interrupt you. a dialogue is nearly impossible. you can't make them laugh. you can make them interested in anything you do. and of course - they would never ask you a personal question because they have absolutely no clue of what you do for a living or what you did last weekend. they don't know the people you know, so, what are you going to talk about? boring!
and yes, of course, this all sounds very personal, it is very subjective. I am basing this on personal experience, from the people I know. the concept of a "normal person" is as broad as your culture wants to allow. for me, it's very obvious when I'm with them because I can just feel it. I am just not built like that. I didn't play team sports in high school. my parents didn't own a beach house. I didn't have a sibling. I was built like an outcast: one time I was called weird because I listen to full albums instead of just the singles, for fuck's sake.
the problem is, normal people, I need them. I actually like them, maybe not a lot, but I want to hang out with them. we're not kids anymore, we all do pretty similar things: we work, we work out, we pay taxes, I don't know. no one is unemployed or in college, we're all grown up. they are no longer a threat, just a nuisance. something in the back of your head every time you leave your house to go to the next party.
I do think they might be interesting, even if it's just something unusual for me. but it just feels unfair, uneven and disproportionate, the amount of effort I need to put to be one more in the crowd instead of them. I just sometimes wish they could see what I see from the other side. and it's not that I am special, or that I stand out and people can notice, no. it happens when you start talking, discussing. either you panic and don't open your mouth, or get relegated to the unnecessary commentary. I just sometimes wish I could hide all of what I bring and just blend in, no fear, no misconstrued ideas of who I am and who they are. I want to be listened to, even if I don't know who their friends saw a the party. even if I didn't watch the new TV show that aired two weeks ago. I like having friends who are different...but do they?