my sister
yesterday I visited the town I used to go during weekends as a kid. my stepmom had a house there so we would go all the time so my dad and her could rest, and my sister and I could play freely in the open field, and maybe even walk on the street during siesta time. our parents would only allow us to walk to a park that was within a 5 minute walk from the house while they were sleeping mid-afternoon on a hot summer. so we'd go down there, alone, and play for a bit before getting bored and returning. on our way home we'd buy ourselves some bread or pastries. one time, we were locked out of the house so I had to make my sister, who was always smaller, jump through the bathroom window and open the door for me.
we parked near that park yesterday with my boyfriend. deserted, it was 35 degrees (celsius!) outside, on a Sunday. the park was desolate and worn out, in terrible shape. I didn't remember it that way, hell, if I could even remember anything. but I still walked around in the crushing heat, trying to get a feeling for what it used to be.
after coming back, last night I had a dream about my sister. she was a year younger so we would have P.E. class at different times. in the dream, I'd bump into her and hug her, because I missed her so much. I'd kiss her soft cheek and caress her long, thick red hair. she's say, "why are you hugging me so much?" and I'd reply, "because I've missed you. I thought you were dead." and she'd say, "no, I'm not dead. why did you even think that?" and I think about it for a second before adding, "you're right. I guess I haven't seen you in a while, so I thought you might be dead. at least that's what I understood, I'm sorry. now that you're here, we could see each other more often, don't you think?"
she'd nod and then leave with her friends to continue with class. she'd wave back at me, and I'd think to myself, I gotta text her after this. it's been so long since we've hung out! I've been so busy with work!
then I woke up slightly and I remembered, it wouldn't be possible. I checked my phone, it was 4 in the morning, and she was still dead. and so she has been for the past ten years.
I still felt her, in the dream, and I felt her walking by my side in the park. I felt her sitting down to have something to eat by the river. I felt her daring me to jump and swim in the river. I felt her complain about how hot it was, how she wanted to have pink ice cream. she was everywhere, she's always everywhere. I can't not think about her, but in that dream I was so hopeful we could hang out again. god, I wish we could. I certainly would give anything to hug her again.