death and detachment
I haven't said anything in a while, and to be honest, it's because I've been thinking. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly about the issues that seem to burden me.
The thing that I was struggling with the most was the idea of dying. The inevitability of death. So I have been munching on that thought almost on a daily basis. And I couldn't really understand why that idea was taking up that much space in my mind. I consulted with specialists and talked to my friends, but nothing seemed to give me an answer to the only question, perhaps the most important question: what happens after we die?
There's no clear answer to that, and maybe I'll never find out. It is a very anxiety-inducing thought, to remember that you are also a mortal, especially when you're young and life seems to be going on forever.
I started having these thoughts when I realized by 89 year-old grandma is on the verge of passing. Her health has gone downhill since the beginning of the year and she has been subject to multiple viral infections in her lungs that seem to never go away. She's been in bed permanently for a couple of weeks now, but at least she's at home. She's got days where she knows who you are and days when she doesn't even follow conversation with 'yes' or 'no'. It pains me to see not only her, but also how my dad and my aunts are struggling to go through the motions of having a very sick, elderly parent.
And I didn't really think much of it, thinking that this death anxiety was triggered by the sight of her, the idea of her, the impressions I had of her. I felt like I was translating her dying experience onto myself, a 26 year-old who is healthy, and not bed-ridden. I was trying to get an answer to the afterlife outside of my own life, hoping that art, literature, philosophy or psychology would give me the answer, but none of it did.
It got to a point were it was devastating and I couldn't function without it driving me crazy. I was at the gym thinking about it, I was in bed with my boyfriend thinking about it, on the bus, out with my friends, typing emails. Death was everywhere I looked.
Then a night not long ago I had dinner with my dad, where he admitted to be very sad about his mom's state. He confessed he didn't like to see her that way, as if he had lost her some time ago. And then, when driving back home, I realized: I am also sad about my grandma slowly going away. It's not that I am scared of death or the immense void that comes after it, I am actually... just a little sad about losing her. I hadn't let myself feel grief yet.
After that realization, things have fallen into place. I thought I was so strong, and detached from the idea of losing someone. As if losing another person but me still being alive wasn't as bad as me dying. In reality those are two very different things, and I am not so detached from my feelings, and maybe I am also not so strong... it hurts to lose someone you love, even if you know at some point they will die. The void does scare me, the inevitability of it does, too. But it's not so daunting anymore. I can carry that weight for now, I think.
A friend, unknowingly, made me watch an episode of the show "The Midnight Gospel" about death. It's an animated show that develops together with a podcast directed by Duncan Trussell. That episode with Caitlin Doughty was very short, but very simple, and the easiness with which she suggested how we related to death made me come to terms with how natural and simple it is. We're scared of it mostly because we're not so exposed to the death of other humans on a daily basis. We see other things die and we think little of it, like plants, flies, or bacteria. So I thank my friend who just wanted to show me the show because of the trippy animations - I got so much more from it.
If you are struggling with something like this as well, you're not alone! The road is long. I am not expecting to fully come to terms with this right now, but I hope as I go along my life, I find some peace of mind. And I really hope you do too.